Moody Morning reflections

I sit in my bed with a heart full of longing and a head full of flu.

The flu I can deal with but the longing...well that's a different story.

I stepped back from blogging about four years ago to focus more on my language journeys, and while I did learn a bit, it didn't go quite to plan.

For starters I discovered that I am the Queen of Procrastination and Excuses, then realised that within that queen hid a Princess of Perfectionism. Add to that the Dame of Drama and you've got the perfect recipe for achieving very little - if anything.

To spice it up a little the Imp of all New Shiny Language Tools and Courses kept popping round for a visit dangling the latest must have course / book / app in front of my hungry eyes. This resulted in a mulitude of apps on my phone that I've completed maybe 2 levels of - all starting at beginner of course, books read only up to the second chapter (again starting from beginner level)  and uncompleted online courses. Some I haven't even started yet. They've been sitting in my laptop for so long that I've forgotten the login on most and I'm sure that there's a couple in there that I've forgotten even exist. I've enrolled in group classes and private lessons but get frustrated at what I see as lack of progress and I stop as I feel like I am wasting money. I have now become an expert on beginner level in three languages.

Why three languages? I fell in love with the first in high school, the second was a holiday love affair that continued long after the holiday was over and the third was through a love affair with my family history. So many love affairs I'm surprised (and a little mortified) that my husband isn't jealous.

So what is the root of my heart filled longing? Well I guess "a heart full of longing" is not exactly the most accurate description of my mood, but it sure is a punchy way to start a blog post. No, the feeling is more one of reflection. How do I get to the level that I want to? Why do I want to be multi-lingual? Do I even want to continue with this journey, why not find something else?

Although I had been dabbling in various languages for a number of years, the burning desire to be multi-lingual wasn't born until one sleepy morning on a train from Zurich to Paris in June 2015. It was early and I was sitting with a drowsy husband and a sleepy but excited teenage daughter (it was to be her first trip to Paris), looking out the window and generally enjoying the journey. I do love train travel. Across from us was a group of three men and one woman, all dressed in business clothes and talking in a mixture of languages. Apart from wondering why they were dressed in business attire considering it was the weekend, I took very little notice of them. We had been in Switzerland for about a week at that stage and were used to hearing a mixture of German, French and Italian. But slowly, as I started to listen more to their conversation, it dawned on me that the woman was effortlessly switching from English to French to German and back again without a single stammer, pause or umm. I became mesmerised. I knew about polyglots but this was the first time I was hearing one in action. After a while the conversation petered out and one gentleman fell asleep and another opened a laptop and started to work (or maybe he was reading something trashy - who knows). The third man turned to the woman and asked "Do you speak Italian?" "Yes", she replied and they continued the conversation in Italian until we pulled into Gare du Nord. I was hooked. I remember saying to myself "I want to be this woman". 

So here I am, eight years later, speaking lower intermediate French, upper beginner Italian and beginner Welsh. Depending on the day of course. Some days I'm incoherent even in English. I know some people have discovered the secret sauce and have achieved more in a much shorter time span, but for me it has been a long hard slog often washed with frustrated tears.

So why am I doing it?

Very very good question. I guess the answer is the absolute endorphine rush I get when I successfully communicate with someone in one of the above non-English languages. Like the time I managed to impress my family by having a basic conversation in Italian with a taxi driver from the airport to our hotel in Rome, despite being full of jet-lag. Or when I managed to get seats on another connecting train from Milan to Zurich after missing our ride because our train from Bologna was late. Or when I managed to convey in French to the man repairing my husband's coat that next week was too late because we were leaving Belgium in two days. And especially when I was able to make my dad laugh after correctly pronouncing Llanfair­pwllgwyngyll­gogery­chwyrn­drobwll­llan­tysilio­gogo­goch.

Yes the love of languages runs deep and if I stop now I know that I will be sorry. I don't want to reach my last day and wonder what if....

But I do need to change my attitude towards it. Schedule time around work and other life tasks to study and practice. And then actually show up for what I've put in my calendar. Admit that if I get too  enthusiastic and schedule too much I will get overwhelmed and procrastinate. Look at what tools I already have, decide what I am going to use and dump the rest without guilt.

And to answer the question of why have I posted photos that have absolutely nothing to do with the topic of this post, the answer is because I like taking moody, artistic shots in cemetries and looking at these photos this morning somehow lead me onto a path of reflection about my language journey. Hopefully the universe isn't trying to send me a message to give it up as a dead cause.

And now it think it's time for a Netflix binge...