Yolinda's Sydney Summer Survival Tips
Due to Workplace Health and Safety Regulations photos of the critters that appear in the dialogue below will not be posted. Management does not want to be held responsible for any cardiac events that may be caused to our non Australian readers.
Instead, here is a completely unrelated picture of puppies.
Last week when I was collecting the mail I met a rather formidable creature in my letter box.
It was black, large, shiny, had eight legs, a ridiculously large head (well I think it was a head) and fangs Dracula would be proud of.
I stared at the creature.
It stared back.
"Isn't this a rather odd hideout for you?" I asked the miniature Nosferatu.
"No not at all", it replied.
"I mean, don't you usually burrow in the ground, surround it with web and set traps for any unsuspecting insects and gardeners?"
"Goodness I never heard of such a thing!" huffed the tiny succubus.
"Or possibly hide in shoes and surprise people?"
"I think you have me confused with someone else", it replied. "I'm here on vacation".
"Really".
"Yes I'm just a mere garden spider enjoying your lovely letterbox"
"NO HE'S NOT NO HE'S NOT" chorused the real garden spiders hanging from their little webs about the garden.
I dug my phone out of my pocket and googled 'funnel web'.
"You're not really here on vacation are you", I said.
It just sat there and blinked it's eight eyes at me.
I picked up a long (a very long) stick from the ground and poked it. Immediately it's front legs reared up, it exposed it's Dracula fangs and let off a blood curdling noise that could only come from the pits of hell.
"Terribly sorry", I said. "Do excuse me one moment".
I went inside and returned with a super sized can of Mortein.
A few days ago I was sitting at my study desk, and I was about to reach for the phone when my hand froze in mid air.
Reclining leisurely on the phone was a huntsman spider about the size of my hand.
"You seem to be on my phone", I said.
"Am I? I do apologise", it said (huntsmans are incredibly polite creatures - unfortunately they can grow to hysteria inducing proportions. Just ask the guy in England who found one in a shipping container. If you can catch him - I hear he's still running)
"I'm afraid you are going to have to go outside" I told it.
"Fair enough", it said.
I picked up my mobile which luckily didn't have any arachnids on it. "Shall I take a selfie before you go?", I asked.
"Oh sure, be my guest", it said (I told you they were polite).
I snapped a photo and then called hubby to come down and remove the spider.
Hubbys are good like that.
Last night daughter had a face off with the cockroach from Hades who was happily partaking of the food she insists on leaving in her room and couldn't understand why she was making such a fuss.
Hubby came to the rescue again.
It's that time of year again. Summer in Sydney is humid, sticky and filled with nightmarish creatures.
So how does one survive until April?
Well follow my tips and you'll reach the end of Summer with the minimum of pandemonium.
1. For those on a very tight budget, keep your mobile on you at all times. That way you can quickly google whether or not the creature you're confronted with is deadly. Then you'll know whether you need to run away screaming, or just tip your hat at it and wish it a good day. At the very least you'll be able to take awesome photos you can then use to scare your friends and family with on Facebook.
2. For those with a little more to spend, invest in a good pest control person. You'll have a couple of weeks of practising your evil laugh as you sweep up dead arachnids and roaches (note - huntsmans are annoyingly impervious to surface spray and will still need to be relocated by husbands) and then enjoy 12 months of insect free bliss - until the next Summer.
3. For those whom money has no limit - sell up and move to Switzerland.
Now back to the puppies (to help you find your happy place).
Instead, here is a completely unrelated picture of puppies.
 |
| Google images |
Last week when I was collecting the mail I met a rather formidable creature in my letter box.
It was black, large, shiny, had eight legs, a ridiculously large head (well I think it was a head) and fangs Dracula would be proud of.
I stared at the creature.
It stared back.
"Isn't this a rather odd hideout for you?" I asked the miniature Nosferatu.
"No not at all", it replied.
"I mean, don't you usually burrow in the ground, surround it with web and set traps for any unsuspecting insects and gardeners?"
"Goodness I never heard of such a thing!" huffed the tiny succubus.
"Or possibly hide in shoes and surprise people?"
"I think you have me confused with someone else", it replied. "I'm here on vacation".
"Really".
"Yes I'm just a mere garden spider enjoying your lovely letterbox"
"NO HE'S NOT NO HE'S NOT" chorused the real garden spiders hanging from their little webs about the garden.
I dug my phone out of my pocket and googled 'funnel web'.
"You're not really here on vacation are you", I said.
It just sat there and blinked it's eight eyes at me.
I picked up a long (a very long) stick from the ground and poked it. Immediately it's front legs reared up, it exposed it's Dracula fangs and let off a blood curdling noise that could only come from the pits of hell.
"Terribly sorry", I said. "Do excuse me one moment".
I went inside and returned with a super sized can of Mortein.
A few days ago I was sitting at my study desk, and I was about to reach for the phone when my hand froze in mid air.
Reclining leisurely on the phone was a huntsman spider about the size of my hand.
"You seem to be on my phone", I said.
"Am I? I do apologise", it said (huntsmans are incredibly polite creatures - unfortunately they can grow to hysteria inducing proportions. Just ask the guy in England who found one in a shipping container. If you can catch him - I hear he's still running)
"I'm afraid you are going to have to go outside" I told it.
"Fair enough", it said.
I picked up my mobile which luckily didn't have any arachnids on it. "Shall I take a selfie before you go?", I asked.
"Oh sure, be my guest", it said (I told you they were polite).
I snapped a photo and then called hubby to come down and remove the spider.
Hubbys are good like that.
Last night daughter had a face off with the cockroach from Hades who was happily partaking of the food she insists on leaving in her room and couldn't understand why she was making such a fuss.
Hubby came to the rescue again.
It's that time of year again. Summer in Sydney is humid, sticky and filled with nightmarish creatures.
So how does one survive until April?
Well follow my tips and you'll reach the end of Summer with the minimum of pandemonium.
1. For those on a very tight budget, keep your mobile on you at all times. That way you can quickly google whether or not the creature you're confronted with is deadly. Then you'll know whether you need to run away screaming, or just tip your hat at it and wish it a good day. At the very least you'll be able to take awesome photos you can then use to scare your friends and family with on Facebook.
2. For those with a little more to spend, invest in a good pest control person. You'll have a couple of weeks of practising your evil laugh as you sweep up dead arachnids and roaches (note - huntsmans are annoyingly impervious to surface spray and will still need to be relocated by husbands) and then enjoy 12 months of insect free bliss - until the next Summer.
3. For those whom money has no limit - sell up and move to Switzerland.
Now back to the puppies (to help you find your happy place).
 |
| Google images |
Unlike puppies, spiders are not known to chew your slippers.
ReplyDeleteVery true. But here there are particularly nasty spiders that have been known to hide in slippers .
Delete